At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
