Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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