So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
