Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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