i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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