She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
