you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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