Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
