I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
