Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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