my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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