my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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