I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
the raccoons are back...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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