I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
