so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
