it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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