There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
