I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
