my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
