My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
