Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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