nut hugger
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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