i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
