my mouth tastes like poor choices
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
