Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
