"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
