My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
