If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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