I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
