I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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