FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
