Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
