When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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