i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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