I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
