I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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