remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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