Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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