I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
