I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
