My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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