laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
