capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
