Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
