I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
