I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
