party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
