I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
