I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize