well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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