I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
