Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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