So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I intend to get homeless drunk
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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