She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
