I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
false alarm, still single
Randomize
