he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
