Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
