A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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